Stop Running From Your Feelings: Learning to Tolerate Uncomfortable Emotions
A note before we begin: This discussion is about the uncomfortable emotions and difficult seasons that are part of ordinary life. Significant or persistent symptoms of depression, anxiety, trauma, or another mental health condition may require professional assessment and treatment. Learning to tolerate uncomfortable emotions can be one part of mental health care, but it isn't a substitute for appropriate treatment.
If I could only teach one skill for the rest of my life when it comes to wellness and wellbeing, it would be this:
Let’s stop running from negative emotions and start learning how to tolerate them.
Why this skill?
Because while we can't always control what happens around us, so much of our mental health involves how we experience and respond to what happens within us. Life can throw some seriously crappy situations at us. And I by no means want to downplay that. Life can be hard. Suffering is real. And painful.
But learning how to tolerate negative emotions puts us in a surprisingly powerful position.
It means we don't have to spend our lives running from how we feel. And I think that changes everything.
1. We can stop chasing the unrealistic.
Learning to tolerate discomfort takes some of the pressure out of the endless quest for better. We no longer have to find the perfect job. The love of our life. The perfect gym routine. The secret to life that is somehow buried in a $25 self-help book shipped overnight from Amazon.We don't have to rid ourselves of every ounce of anxiety, depression, frustration, sadness, loneliness, or uncertainty before we are allowed to have a meaningful life.
Because what if the goal isn't to feel good all the time?
What if the goal is to learn that we can feel bad and still be okay?
That we can feel anxious and go to work.
Feel lonely and call a friend.
Feel frustrated and still make dinner.
Feel uncertain and keep moving forward.
The power isn't necessarily in changing everything around us.
Sometimes, it's in learning to stop running.Stop chasing.Stop seeking.
And that can be a necessary first step toward building a meaningful life.
2. We can start before we feel ready.
You don't have to feel like it first.
Learning to tolerate negative emotions gives us a sort of non-plan plan:
Don't do anything drastic just to make the feeling go away. Keep living.
Get up.
Go to work.
Take a shower.
Watch your favorite TV show.
Pick up gardening or needlepoint or true crime.
Try a new food.
Or continue to eat your favorite burrito every Thursday.
Whatever your life looks like, live it.
Or start living it.
You don't have to wait until you feel better.
You don't have to solve your entire life before you are allowed to participate in it.
Just don't run. Don't hide.
And don't make your entire life revolve around getting rid of an uncomfortable feeling.
Wild, right? That sometimes the course of action is… no dramatic action at all.
So how do we actually learn to tolerate the discomfort?
Maybe I've convinced you that this is a pretty great starting point for building a meaningful life.
Great.
Let's start today.
Here are four practical ways to begin learning how to tolerate uncomfortable emotions, keep moving forward, and build something meaningful—even when you don't feel particularly good.
Stop chasing the unrealistic
You don't need to eliminate every uncomfortable emotion before you can live a good life. Ask yourself: What am I waiting to feel before I let myself participate in my life?
Stop making decisions from the peak of emotion.
When emotions are intense, give yourself some space before making major decisions. You don't have to ignore the feeling, just wait a day or a week before making the decision. Use the feeling as information not as emotional urgency.
Keep living your life even when you feel bad.
This doesn't mean forcing yourself to pretend you're fine. It means continuing to do the small things that matter: showering, eating, working, connecting, moving your body, pursuing hobbies, and showing up for your life.
Build your tolerance, gradually.
Emotional tolerance is a skill, and skills get stronger with practice. Start small: notice an uncomfortable feeling, resist the urge to immediately distract, fix, suppress, or escape it, and give yourself a little time to experience it.
Because maybe well isn't about creating a life where we never feel bad.Maybe it's about creating a life that is still worth living even when we do.
Always cheering for you,
Kelli
Disclaimer: This article is provided for general educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to provide mental health treatment, diagnosis, medical advice, or a substitute for individualized care from a qualified professional. Reading this article does not establish a therapist-client relationship. If you are experiencing a mental health emergency please call 911.
